Christmas humour
I hope everyone is having a wonderful christmas, whether moving to New Zealand is still a dream, or you are here already.
The Rocking Carol
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons.
Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.
Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O’er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A suitable and sufficient risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on.
The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.
Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.
Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions – including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.
Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.
The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled ‘little’ and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as ‘Cash for Gold’ etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions under the COSHH Regulations . A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest , safest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the dusty road surface .
And because I just can resist a dig at all those companies too tight to give payrises – let alone bonuses 
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The issues of Christmas cookery.
If like me – you think Delia Smith’s Christmas is your bible – you may find you need to make one or two changes to your usual Christmas cooking. I still insist of cooking a proper UK style Christmas dinner – rather than the more traditional Kiwi Ham – but that’s just a taste thing. The problem comes with stuffing, turkeys and gravy.
I can now get decent sausage meat from my amazing butchers, who use a UK seasoning in their sausages – so I’m not overpowered by the addition of ginger. Chestnuts are not in season – but thankfully you can get vacuum packed tins of whole chestnuts. (Try Deli’s or Moore Wilsons). However, as far as I can see – if you want to make Delia’s Giblet Gravy – you are stuffed.
Over the past few years I have fought to get fresh turkeys at Christmas, and finally gave up because I just cant be arsed to deal with the snotty comments from shop staff anymore. So this year I have a frozen 1.4kg Turkey Breast. But no giblets. In fact – none of the fresh turkeys had giblets either. So I thought I would wander round a few butchers while doing my last minute shopping, and ask if I could get some separately.
Oh Dear.
What I learned – is that they don’t actually know what giblets are. Now fair enough – I wouldn’t use them for anything (I think that Offal has no place on a plate of food I am actually going to eat) – except it’s the recipe for Delia’s Gravy, and its actually very nice. Not that I’m bad at making gravy without them but hey – this is the way I like to make dinner. So just in case I do need some stock (I usually have enough juices from roasting meat so that I don’t need it) – ive made some chicken stock form left over carcasses of roast chickens.
You also of course have to watch out for the fact that most Turkeys sold here are in fact not 100 turkey – they are injected with brine to make them more moist. As I’ve never roasted a turkey yet that came out dry – and I refuse to eat meat that is stuffed full of sugar – I think this is a travesty. Avoid Tegal chickens and turkey if you too think that there is no need to inject meat with all sorts of guff in order for it to taste edible.
This year – we have also had to make our own Christmas chocolates – because Dorothy’s in Wellington has closed down. They used to sell Sugar Free Chocolates (we cant eat sugar in this house), and that’s very rare indeed. We can get bars of the stuff from Schoc, but although they do fabulous chocolates – none of them are sugar free. So we spent large sums of money on some of the bars, and spent yesterday merrily making truffles with it (Using Delia’s Recipe modifies to take the sugar out).
And I can heartily recommend that you get a tin of Schoc’s Cocoa Powder. I’ve just made a low carb (also Gluten free) chocolate cake out of it (with Splenda and ground almonds instead of sugar and flour), and its come out the richest, chocolatiest cake I’ve ever made. I’m about to use it to make the chocolate custard to add to the cake (Nigella’s Black Forest Trifle – modified). It’s better than Green and Blacks – and that is saying something.
Right – now off to clean the pool – its a glorius day out there, and the pool says its 26 degrees – so we may be going for a dip later.
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Sales? What Sales???
Filed under: Cost of living, Economics, General Budgeting
It said on the news yesterday (so it must be true) that shops were offering pre-christmas discounts to get us all spending money in a recession. And today – we had to pop briefly into the Westfield Queensgate shopping center in Lower Hutt, to have a look at cameras. You see ours packed up, and I’m bored of using Hubby’s iPhone as a camera with its complete lack of zoom and flash.
So we figured we would make the most of the “bargains”.
Well for a start – if theres still a recession on in New Zealand (and if there’s an ounce of fact in the whole “Kiwi’s are not consumerist” ) – you couldn’t tell today from the masses of bags that people were carrying and the sheer number of people in the centre. We looked quite out of place with no logo-emblazened shopping bags full of presents.
And if Dick Smiths has a sale on – it sure as hell wasn’t on cameras. At least – if they were discounting with the few “Hot Deals” we saw – they werent telling you what the normal retail price was. Not that I trust stores to tell the truth on this issue – Briscoes being teh worst crooks for blatantly marking up the retail price to show a “Sale Price”.
So we took some notes on the cameras we liked – and have to now go check on the internet to find the best price. I do hate not being able to trust stores about thier pricing. Oddly enough – the Canon website doesnt list any recommended retail prices – which is less than helpful. A quick scan of the Noel Leeming website site shows once of the cameras at $100 less (on a $350 camera). I guess the bargains are out there is you have the energy to look.
It’s at this point that I remain forever grateful that my entire family is obsessed with reading, and we can generally sit back – ignore the shops and the rush, and order online.
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No matter where you are – NORAD tracks Santa
This post unashamedly has absolutely nothing to do with Emigrating to New Zealand – but if you have never seen NORAD Tracks Santa – then you should take a look. (And not just if you have kids!)
From NORAD themselves:
Why we track Santa
For more than 50 years, NORAD and its predecessor, the Continental Air Defense Command (CONAD) have tracked Santa’s Christmas Eve flight.
The tradition began in 1955 after a Colorado Springs-based Sears Roebuck & Co. advertisement for children to call Santa misprinted the telephone number. Instead of reaching Santa, the phone number put kids through to the CONAD Commander-in-Chief’s operations “hotline.” The Director of Operations at the time, Colonel Harry Shoup, had his staff check the radar for indications of Santa making his way south from the North Pole. Children who called were given updates on his location, and a tradition was born.
In 1958, the governments of Canada and the United States created a bi-national air defense command for North America called the North American Aerospace Defense Command, also known as NORAD, which then took on the tradition of tracking Santa.
Since that time, NORAD men, women, family and friends have selflessly volunteered their time to personally respond to Christmas Eve phone calls and emails from children. In addition, we now track Santa using the internet. Last year, millions of people who wanted to know Santa’s whereabouts visited the NORAD Tracks Santa website.
Finally, media from all over the world rely on NORAD as a trusted source to provide Christmas Eve updates on Santa’s journey.
How absolutely cool is this?
We spent a few merry hours last Christmas glued to the Internet watching as the reports came in form around the world. It was particularly great as for the first time on our emigrating journey, we were apart from the rest of my family at Christmas. So to be able to “Track Santa” as he gets to where the rest of your family are is actually an amazing thing. Probably especially for kids – but hey – there’s no age limit!
Anyway – some scenes from Santa’s journey last year coutesy of the NORAD trackers.
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And talking of christmas trees…
On Saturday night we went to Cuckoo in Greytown - home of the best pizzas in the Wairarapa (and a cook who doesn’t mind making the wonderful Eggs Napoli breakfast dish – minus the bread and with an extra egg- at any time of day because I can’t eat Pizza!).
Cuckoo has recently been taken over – the owners Tim and Chelsea having skipped off to Melbourne - so no more visions of Tim frenetically running round the place. But the menu remains the same and is well worth a visit. Most people visiting Greytown go to the White Swan because its well known. However its pretty crap – so forget that and go have a decent meal at Cuckoo.
Getting back to the point – while in there – we took a photo of thier christmas tree. The New Owners (Brian and Janine) certainly have a great sense of humour. For all those people who like are a fish out of water doing a southern hemisphere chistmas – I thought you might enjoy it:
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Buying a Christmas tree in summer is just odd.
It’s coming up to the end of my 5th year living in New Zealand, and thus my 4th Christmas here. Still can’t get all “christmassy” about it – because it’s just not. Nevertheless – we all love christmas in this house, so we do it anyway!
Most of the pressies are bought, (Mostly courtesy of Amazon), I’ve got cherries sitting in Brandy getting well and truly sozzled (cherries are very much a christmas staple here, and it my one nod to being a Kiwi), and I’ve spent a small fortune on Shoc Chocolate.
So the last thing really was to get the TREE. Now I know we are not in Europe – but thats no excuse for plastic trees in my world – you just have to slightly adjust expectation on your Tree Buying Experience. For a start – no such thing as “No Needle Drop Nordic Pines”. You are going to get a mess, and it will kill your vacuum if you try an hoover the mess up. Kiwi Christmas tress have needles that are inches long.
It also makes decorating a tad harder – buy hey – what the hell.
You also don’t seem to buy trees at Garden Centres the way we are used to. Down here it’s at road stops, peoples houses, train stations – and then there the Christmas Tree Farm at Featherston - where we go.
You trundle up in your car (make sure its big or you have a trailer – this is not time for sports cars), wander round the fields to find your perfect tree (colour coded for price), grab a saw an chop it down. Bung it in the boot, drive round to the kiosk, pay cash or cheque, and drive home.
How cool is that? Look:
A farm a christmas trees
Dodging rubble from the old army camp
Find a tree you like
then wander a bit more and find the PERFECT tree 
…then ask the lovely staff to cut it down for you if you cant be bothered to do it yourself.
and admire the baby tress that get planted each year to replace to ones we buy.
and finally get the tree home ready to decorate
Our tree cost $50 – which I dont think was bad at all – it’s a great size,and it looks (and smells) wonderful.
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